The chat had been light and pleasant, but I was becoming exceedingly bored, so I placed my cup on the coffee table and sat back with purpose. “Look, this is all well and good, but let’s get right down to it,” I said. “I can’t keep this secret inside me anymore!”
“What’re talking about, Vernon?” asked my wife.
I looked at our guest, my wife’s friend since college, and blurted it out, “Samantha wants to sleep with you. She lusts after your body. Now, I must admit that at first I was a bit taken back by this confession, but…”
“What!” my wife exclaimed, when she’d finally stopped choking on her coffee.
Her friend, Celia, looked from one to the other of us, unsure what to say.
“This is no time to be coy, darling. It’s okay to have these primitive lustful urges. Look … why don’t I just go and stick the kettle on, and you can work out the details between the two of you … Call me if you need my help…” I started to rise and gather up the coffee cups. “I think we have some Jaffa Cakes hidden away somewhere for special occassions.”
“Sit down!” my wife demanded, her voice sharp and insistent. “Have you been messing with your medication again, Vernon?”
Placing the cups back on the table, I sat. “My medication is fine, Darling. I’m only trying to help.”
“I never said anything like that,” protested my wife, directing her comment more to Celia than to me.
“Not in those exact words, true, but the message was clear.” I argued.
“This is preposterous!”
“You said as much this very morning, when Celia was walking up the driveway,” I pressed.
“I did no such thing!”
“Yes, you did. You said, and I quote, ‘Doesn’t she look fabulous in those shorts.’”
“So … That doesn’t mean I want to sleep with her!”
“Ahh, so you admit it!” I demanded. “Then you said you’d love to get into her shorts.”
“Vernon, you idiot! I said that ‘I’d love to be able get into them.’ I’ve a similar pair, but I need to lose a few pound.”
“So you admit that Celia has a sexy ass …” I pressed, sensing that I was losing the argument and changing tack.
Samantha was having none of it. Her look would’ve stripped paint off a door. “Isn’t it about time you mowed that back garden, Vernon darling?” she asked, her voice heavy with malice. “And while you’re at it, the dog could do with a walk … a long one!”
“Trying to get me out of the picture, eh!” I winked cheekily.
“Get out … now!”
I scurried away, knowing not to push my luck. I couldn’t help smiling as I gathered up the dog lead. There is just so much idle gossip that a man can stand before he has to stir up trouble.