I considered a bath of acid to dispose of the body, but when I brought home a pile of old car batteries, questions were asked.
“It’s for charity,” I explained. “They recycle them for the lead inside.”
Thankfully, my wife appeared mollified, but I got rid of them the next day.
Next, I considered tying him to a railway line. I’d hide in the bushes and watch the 09:15 to Dublin crush him to pulp.
Eventually, I dug a grave in the back garden and buried his body there. That’ll stop my wife posting Elf on the Shelf pics!