The Elf on the Shelf


They spent many long weeks finding new and amusing ways to inflict torment upon the unfortunate Elf. First, they dressed him up in garish red garb with matching hat. Then, he was humiliated him, forcing him to enact embarrassing sexual deviances with various stuffed animals; things that no Elf should be forced to endure.

To make matters worse, they recorded their vile deprivations and posted lurid pictures of the Elf’s captivity to friends and relatives, far and wide.

Finally, after a particularly rowdy drunken mid-winter celebration, the Orcs cut off and ate the Elf’s extremities before finally slaying poor Legolas.

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